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Author Topic: coming out...well kind of. my story and confusion  (Read 3037 times)
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sky
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« on: July 06, 2011, 07:08:07 PM »

okay so im young, and I will be going off to college soon. I have been struggling with my sexuality for a long time and I have never ever talked to anyone about those feelings,  well up until today. I have no experience with a girl whatsoever, and I have never hooked up with a guy. I have dated guys and kissed them but I never really got that feeling. I also have never been in a relationship. I love greys anatomy and actually started watching the show after I saw the callie and arizona make out in the elevator to andrew belles "open your eyes". After that I went back and watched all the seasons. I didn't know owhat to do or why I was so intrigued by their relationship. I have watched south of nowhere, pretty little liars, and some episodes of the l word and the real l word. But my family has no clue. Neither does anyone. I don't know what I am, straight,  bi, or gay and all the advice I have read from this site has said don't say anything to parents until you know for sure. But I have been hiding this potential part of me for so long that it finally took a toll. I mean I go on afterellen like every day. So idk what because I find guys and girls attractive,  like I think mark and arizona are equally hot. So anyways, today I broke down crying and my mom knew something was wrong so I finally said screw it and just said I think I might be gay or bisexual,  that I didn't know what I wanted but I was scared if I went to college and tried to figure it out that ppl would talk and I didn't want to embarrass my family. My mom reassured me that she didn't think I was gay but that she thinks I haven't been with a guy or serious relationship and I should give it time. To not worry about labels and to figure it out if I have to. She said she would still love me no matter what. So why do I feel so shitty?  I know that if I ever dated a girl that it would be a femme, and to give u more info I am wear makeup and paint my nails but I am als :snore:o athletic. I guess I am just super depressed because I don't feel any different. I was expecting to have this super light feeling after I did this but somehow I feel more stupid. When I go off to school should I join a LGBT club to see if I can make friends who I might get insight from?  They let straight ppl join too so I wouldn't have to say what I am I guess, although im sure ppl would just assume I was something if I went to a meeting. Does anyone have experience with how college peers reacted from experimenting with guys and girls?  I would love to hear your story. Any advice or comments feel free to share. I am looking forward to it and also what people see me leaning towards. Thanks! 
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reamary
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« Reply #1 on: July 09, 2011, 07:21:19 AM »

Hi! First off I have to warn you that this text may end up being very confusing cause I'm not exactly sure what I'm about to say, I'm just going to write. Cheesy But I just wanted to say that I understand you very well and I get that being confused feeling! I've been struggling with my sexuality a lot too and nothing's clear. Cheesy Well actually some things are clear, but not everything entirely. Tongue I've known for many many years that I find girls attractive, but I have nonetheless always considered myself straight. I knew it at the age of 15 that I find women attractive too, in a way in which girls ”shouldn't”, you know, that's the ”general” opinion... And at 19 I had a first real crush on a woman. But what I've always wondered is that whether I like guys too, I mean, cause I've had crushes on boys and men, well not so strong ones as the ones in a few women, but crushes anyway. And I have never been in a relationship either (even though I'm 26 already), so I don't really know whether I could be in a relationship with a guy or with a girl. I've told some people that I like girls as well, cause I recently had an ENORMOUS crush on this lady, for more than a year and I just couldn't keep it inside anymore. So I've admitted and accepted it that I like girls too, but what I wonder is that do I still like guys too? Cause when I was so in love with this lady, I didn't see anyone else and I would've been ready to be with her for the rest of my life and there wouldn't have been any problem at all! I mean for me to tell to the whole world that I'm in love with a woman. Cheesy But now that it turned out she's straight and not interested in me, I just wonder will I ever find anyone as adorable again, who I would like that much, who I would find so adorable that I would feel comfortable in being ”gay”. You know? And at the same time I'm wondering, could I still feel that way for a guy too..? Or am I just not admitting it to myself that I'm just gay and that's it. I don't know. And I've always felt kinda like an ”outsider” within my family and I have no idea what would my parents for example say, if I ended up with a girl... Well I did tell my sister when I had a crush on this lady and in the end I talked about her (and how I just loooove her) a LOT to my sister. But I still wonder what my sister thinks about me nowadays, I mean does she think I'm straight but just had this one strange crush or does she wonder if I'm gay...

Anyway, I don't know how this all helps you, but I guess I'm trying to say that I think it's normal to feel a little confused, but you shouldn't worry about it too much. Smiley It's amazing though you could tell about your worries to your mum and it's really good how her reaction was, I mean her telling you she would still love you no matter what. That's how it should be, that no one had to be afraid of not being loved anymore if they're gay...
And I think time is the answer. Smiley I mean, in time you'll probably figure it all out. Though, it may take some time, cause as I said I still haven't figured it all out... But at least some, which is that I do like girls, more than guys. Wink Until that just try to ”enjoy” every crush you have, whether it's on a boy or on a girl, and enjoy looking at beautiful girls if you see one, or handsome guys when you see those. And in time you'll probably find what's right for you. I think.

About the college thing I cannot really help, cause I think the scholar system is so different in Finland than in your country (wherever you're from Cheesy), so I don't know about college peers' reactions or LGTB clubs etc..

Oh and still one thing to add.. You said you're a girl who wears make up and you'd only date a girl who's ”femme”, and I'm exactly like that too! I'm a very girly girl, I wear make up and jewellery and girly clothes etc. (but I do a lot of sports so I'm athletic too as you! Cheesy) and I'm only attracted to girly/feminine girls as well. Like Arizona in Grey's, my gosh I have a huge crush on her! Cheesy And she reminds me a little of my recent real life crush (who was the biggest crush I've ever had in my life so far..). So I could never date a woman who looks like a man, nope not for me..... Which I think is a shame too, that the majority of lesbians seems to be those ”butch” kind, or very boy looking type.

Ok well sorry for this LONG message, I don't know if it helped at all, but I just wanted to share some thoughts, I hope you got something out of it! Wink
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1stacey7
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« Reply #2 on: July 30, 2011, 04:01:36 PM »

Hey!First of all its good that you let that out at least here..Well it is also nice that you found the courage to tell your mum about that..And her reaction for me was almost the best it could be..You should be encouraged by that..Now to the point.In my opinion you shouldn't spent any other time over thinking it.Let life "lead: you. I mean you surely will date guys just to see if you can feel any strong feelings.Because you said you're young so trust me it is really hard to find the one who will make you feel very strong feeling.Either a boy or a girl..For me you love the person not the genre.
So you can live your life as it comes with the ups and downs and you will know when the time comes.There is no reason for "smashing" up your head to find a "solution" for something that isnt a real problem! I mean homosexuality is not a problem is a nature...And something else dont worry about being intrigued by scenes like those you mentioned.Its natural.
You will like a lot of girls and boys in your life thats how it goes.But to find your sexual orientation there you have to be really patient and live normally your life until you get THE crush!I mean you will find a person that you can get out of head(literally!)that you want to be near with, have something more than sex if you get me. And of course not for a short period but for quite a time.
Anyways, I m telling that you WILL now when the right time comes.Dont worry at all.You can share experiences and worries here if you like because here you will surely find people with similar experiences who totally understand and may help you.
And last but not least, you said something about LGTB club.Watch out to not be influenced and go to a wrong direction..Anyway and do not worry about feeling "shitty" its just a phase that you have to go through Smiley I dont know if I helped at all but I hope so..Smiley
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I drive around like everything's okay
And I feel the lightening in our own mistakes And I was gonna tell u I wish all our wrongs could be right I'm too late I looked in my rearview And now I don't see u.Sometimes the things u want are hard to take.Sometimes the ones u love are risks you dont make.
sky
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« Reply #3 on: October 10, 2011, 01:51:15 PM »

Hi, I would first like to apologize for waiting so long to respond to your advice. I feel sort of silly and slightly bewildered by the fact that it has been 4 MONTHS and none of those questions I had have been figured out. Secondly, thank you both (1stacey7 and remary) for your responses. In a time when I felt isolated the advice really helped and made me feel better. However, I feel I owe you both some sort of consulation prize lol  embarrass sooooo, I will divulge the fact that since the summer I have had my first kiss with a girl. Although this girl has been driving me crazy since summer I have no idea what that means. When we kissed I didn't feel that spark. She was the best kisser I have ever kissed, and sidenote: girls are wayyyyyy better kissers than guys. However things progressed, and eventually after hanging out several times she said she would want a relationship with me. I felt flattered, and I have been wanting a realtionship for quite some time, however deep down I knew I liked the idea of the relationship and having someone care about me more than I actually liked the idea of dating her. I wouldn't feel comfortable right now being out and having a gf. Even more, it would take a great deal for me to be in a relationship with a girl. I would only committ to a realtionship if I could be proud of my gf, and not feel ashamed holding her hand, or kissing her. Until I feel that way about someone I think it's best to just be open and not into labels. Afterall, kissing girls until I figure out if I'm bi is probably the only way. As of right now, there are no feelings for any firls, just attraction. I think the feelings need to be there. But what do I really know? Clearly after 4 months I have barely made any progress, nd I think I am still trying to convinve myself that I will meet someone. Is it bad though that my first time at a gay club I pcik up a girl lol but yet I can't for the life of me get a guy to even want to date me. I honestly think I should just try out a gf becasue things don't seem to mesh well with me and guys.
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