Hi! First off I have to warn you that this text may end up being very confusing cause I'm not exactly sure what I'm about to say, I'm just going to write.
But I just wanted to say that I understand you very well and I get that being confused feeling! I've been struggling with my sexuality a lot too and nothing's clear.
Well actually some
things are clear, but not everything entirely.
I've known for many many years that I find girls attractive, but I have nonetheless always considered myself straight. I knew it at the age of 15 that I find women attractive too, in a way in which girls ”shouldn't”, you know, that's the ”general” opinion... And at 19 I had a first real crush on a woman. But what I've always wondered is that whether I like guys too, I mean, cause I've had crushes on boys and men, well not so strong ones as the ones in a few women, but crushes anyway. And I have never been in a relationship either (even though I'm 26 already), so I don't really know whether I could be in a relationship with a guy or with a girl. I've told some people that I like girls as well, cause I recently had an ENORMOUS crush on this lady, for more than a year and I just couldn't keep it inside anymore. So I've admitted and accepted it that I like girls too, but what I wonder is that do I still like guys too? Cause when I was so in love with this lady, I didn't see anyone else and I would've been ready to be with her for the rest of my life and there wouldn't have been any problem at all! I mean for me to tell to the whole world that I'm in love with a woman.
But now that it turned out she's straight and not interested in me, I just wonder will I ever find anyone as adorable again, who I would like that much, who I would find so adorable that I would feel comfortable in being ”gay”. You know? And at the same time I'm wondering, could I still feel that way for a guy too..? Or am I just not admitting it to myself that I'm just gay and that's it. I don't know. And I've always felt kinda like an ”outsider” within my family and I have no idea what would my parents for example say, if I ended up with a girl... Well I did tell my sister when I had a crush on this lady and in the end I talked about her (and how I just loooove her) a LOT to my sister. But I still wonder what my sister thinks about me nowadays, I mean does she think I'm straight but just had this one strange crush or does she wonder if I'm gay...
Anyway, I don't know how this all helps you, but I guess I'm trying to say that I think it's normal to feel a little confused, but you shouldn't worry about it too much.
It's amazing though you could tell about your worries to your mum and it's really good how her reaction was, I mean her telling you she would still love you no matter what. That's how it should be, that no one had to be afraid of not being loved anymore if they're gay...
And I think time is the answer.
I mean, in time you'll probably figure it all out. Though, it may take some time, cause as I said I still haven't figured it all out... But at least some, which is that I do like girls, more than guys.
Until that just try to ”enjoy” every crush you have, whether it's on a boy or on a girl, and enjoy looking at beautiful girls if you see one, or handsome guys when you see those. And in time you'll probably find what's right for you. I think.
About the college thing I cannot really help, cause I think the scholar system is so different in Finland than in your country (wherever you're from
), so I don't know about college peers' reactions or LGTB clubs etc..
Oh and still one thing to add.. You said you're a girl who wears make up and you'd only date a girl who's ”femme”, and I'm exactly like that too! I'm a very girly girl, I wear make up and jewellery and girly clothes etc. (but I do a lot of sports so I'm athletic too as you!
) and I'm only attracted to girly/feminine girls as well. Like Arizona in Grey's, my gosh I have a huge crush on her!
And she reminds me a little of my recent real life crush (who was the biggest crush I've ever had in my life so far..). So I could never date a woman who looks like a man, nope not for me..... Which I think is a shame too, that the majority of lesbians seems to be those ”butch” kind, or very boy looking type.
Ok well sorry for this LONG message, I don't know if it helped at all, but I just wanted to share some thoughts, I hope you got something out of it!